So today my boyfriend is returning home. I'm picking him up at the airport at 1:15pm..I'm not feeling so good about his return. I'm affraid things are going to be as they were and I'm going to go back to sitting on the couch, watching him play video games. Not being able to invite him to movies because he doesn't like any of them that come out, or watching movies at his house because he doesn't like them. Yet, I have to put up with watching all the movies he likes, doing what he likes to do.
I don't recall how many times he actually asked me "what do you want to do?"
I've been hanging out with so many people in the past 4 months...that it's going to make hanging out with him...well...shitty and boring. I want to go out to places...like, say..go to the beach for a day, lay out, enjoy the sand, the sound of th eocean...have a cute picnic or something. But no, I can't do that because the only time he'd ever go to the beach is if its pitch black. And even then, he'd need alcohal.
Thats another thing I'm going to love going back to....his drinking. I hope he will do what he said he would and cut down on it. But I don't have high hopes. I might as well face it, the only time I'm going to ever get a romantic cuddley time is when he's had enough alcohal in him to turn up the hormones. Things he said to me in emails in the last 3 months...just will vanish. I know it's going to happen. It's only a matter of time. Yet I'm still that stupid fool that loves him. Why? Why does this have to happen? I swear, my self esteem is fucked.
On the bright side....tonight is the :RUINA: Tour with Imperative Reaction and Psyclon Nine in San Diego at the Brick By Brick. I'm happy for that...
2.10.09
29.9.09
Break Down
So I'm completely feeling the stress coming down and taking a toll on me for the 2nd time in the past week in a half. I had a minor break down a weak ago..it got me sick. But now with recent events of being confused about how I feel about my boyfriend, it makes me sick.
On top of that I feel like I'm not appreciated at all at work. I've never had a kind word said to me except for one time by the stocking manager Jim. He told me 2 weeks ago when I got really badly sick in the middle of work(I was in the bathroom throwing up 90% of the time) and he told me 2 days later that I did a good job that night even though I could hardly work..but I stuck it out. It was kind of sad because afrer he told me that I had to go into the bathroom to hide--I had just broken into tears.
I feel like Silverstines book "The Missing Piece"..I'm just endlessly making this journey to find that little piece that is missing from my heart.
On top of all this stuff and the minor things, lately I've learned that I've had crap said about me that was completely uncalled for by a boy who thinks he is so all that. Trying to screw me over in the club business, trying to rip me away from my best friend. On top of that, he attempted to take all credit for the work that I did for the club. I consider myself at least 50%, if not..then more responsible for making Club Neurozone even a thing. I did more promoting then he EVER did. I went and make a god damn myspace profile, I added more then 200 people, I handed out flyers, I paid for flyers, I bought lighting equipment where I should of put that money towards my cell phone bill(I ended up getting 2 months behind because of it).
How fucking dare any of them say that I'm just a staff member. How dare any of them try to rip me off, screw me over, or even attempt to take possession of the decorations I hand made. I don't need that drama and bull crap. I don't need it.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room. Screaming. Screaming...and nobody even hears me or looks up. Unnoticed, shoved aside. I can't turn to my family, they actually discarded me as a daughter when I was born.
I just sometimes wish I was just a little floating vaper. I'm trying real hard to keep optimistic, positive and listen to what good advice I do receive from what little (real) friends I have. I want to keep from falling into this hole..but I find that I am slipping deeper and deeper into this void....and the distance I'm putting between my friends and I..is growing larger and larger.
On top of that I feel like I'm not appreciated at all at work. I've never had a kind word said to me except for one time by the stocking manager Jim. He told me 2 weeks ago when I got really badly sick in the middle of work(I was in the bathroom throwing up 90% of the time) and he told me 2 days later that I did a good job that night even though I could hardly work..but I stuck it out. It was kind of sad because afrer he told me that I had to go into the bathroom to hide--I had just broken into tears.
I feel like Silverstines book "The Missing Piece"..I'm just endlessly making this journey to find that little piece that is missing from my heart.
On top of all this stuff and the minor things, lately I've learned that I've had crap said about me that was completely uncalled for by a boy who thinks he is so all that. Trying to screw me over in the club business, trying to rip me away from my best friend. On top of that, he attempted to take all credit for the work that I did for the club. I consider myself at least 50%, if not..then more responsible for making Club Neurozone even a thing. I did more promoting then he EVER did. I went and make a god damn myspace profile, I added more then 200 people, I handed out flyers, I paid for flyers, I bought lighting equipment where I should of put that money towards my cell phone bill(I ended up getting 2 months behind because of it).
How fucking dare any of them say that I'm just a staff member. How dare any of them try to rip me off, screw me over, or even attempt to take possession of the decorations I hand made. I don't need that drama and bull crap. I don't need it.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room. Screaming. Screaming...and nobody even hears me or looks up. Unnoticed, shoved aside. I can't turn to my family, they actually discarded me as a daughter when I was born.
I just sometimes wish I was just a little floating vaper. I'm trying real hard to keep optimistic, positive and listen to what good advice I do receive from what little (real) friends I have. I want to keep from falling into this hole..but I find that I am slipping deeper and deeper into this void....and the distance I'm putting between my friends and I..is growing larger and larger.
Tweets?
So here I was, sitting and waiting to go to work as I am half-dressed for another afternoon/evening of Petsmart..and I was thinking about the :RUINA: Tour show on friday with Imperative Reaction and Psyclon Nine. I thought of the keyboardist Clint in IR...and then I thought of his band, System Syn.
A member of that band, Adam who actually likes to go by Atom(and boy is he adorable) ...well, anywho, we hung out a few years ago when I wasn't 21 and wasn't old enough to go to their show that played here in San Diego. We chit chatted at the overly expensive crap coffee place by the name of Starbucks and before we parted, he gave me a button.
This button has got to be one of the greatest buttons ever made. But the thing is...I don't exactly get it. I don't know why I was thinking about that meeting and this button but I had to get it out. I don't know who this Eric dude is who said the quote on the button. I know it must be funny to Atom and there is a whole back story. Rawr. It's one of those things where I wish I knew the whole history of this pin.
Oh what I wouldn't give to have the Third Eye! Touch things and see into the past or future...maybe even things going on in the present. Just random thoughts I had to get out...
A member of that band, Adam who actually likes to go by Atom(and boy is he adorable) ...well, anywho, we hung out a few years ago when I wasn't 21 and wasn't old enough to go to their show that played here in San Diego. We chit chatted at the overly expensive crap coffee place by the name of Starbucks and before we parted, he gave me a button.
This button has got to be one of the greatest buttons ever made. But the thing is...I don't exactly get it. I don't know why I was thinking about that meeting and this button but I had to get it out. I don't know who this Eric dude is who said the quote on the button. I know it must be funny to Atom and there is a whole back story. Rawr. It's one of those things where I wish I knew the whole history of this pin.
Oh what I wouldn't give to have the Third Eye! Touch things and see into the past or future...maybe even things going on in the present. Just random thoughts I had to get out...
Take the Gun, Leave the Canoli
Okay so I'm starting off with a nice witty title. Of course everyone knows where that quote came from. Ironically enough, I'm not watching the Godfather, but The Sopranos. I was flippin' channels and it was on....my regular foodtv shows aren't on yet for it is only 8:55am...but Charmed is on. Hm.
Anywho. how about a cute little icon to look at? I know that always makes my day.
So all of last night I was having trouble trying to sleep thanks to my leg and its burn. Yeah, I have a huge burn on the side of my leg from my friend Brandon's motorcycle. It briefly got infected but now I'm all over the antibiotics. The wrap makes it feel more secure but it is a bitch to change. Especally if the gauze sticks to the open wound. Oh I HATE it!!!
There is another conflict...I like him, a lot. To the point of loving him....but I have a boyfriend. He returns on friday from deployment in the caribbean. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about his return. But that is another blog story. Perhaps later today before I go to work if I have the time.
Just a reminder, this friday is the :RUINA: Tour concert with Psyclon Nine and Imperative Reaction. Anybody in the San Diego area or up to L.A....GET YOUR ASSES THERE! :D
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